Amateur Dramatics (Random Comedy) Episode 1: Silence Of The Cows
by Caden Hunt
Summary: This is the full 45 page pilot script for my random crazy comedy web series "Amateur Dramatics" please post a review on what you think, and if anyone is interested in making it. I am open for discussion. This script has copyright on it so please do not film or Act it out without permission. Thank You, and I hope it makes you smile. P.s In advance sorry for the spelling.


**25/4/2012**

Amateur Dramatics©

Episode 1: Silence Of The Cows

Created and Written by

Caden Hunt

**1. INT: LOUNGE OF A STUDENT HOUSE - SWANSEA – MORNING. **

**A clean and tidy student house with everything in its place, the lounge is a standard size with two sofas a beanbag and a T.V as the centrepiece of the room. **

**Greg, the only man in the house is sitting on one of the sofas with a cup of tea in his hand looking at the script for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, as he flicks through the pages Anna walks in and sits on the other sofa opposite him with a can of beer in one hand and Romeo and Juliet in the other she also begins to flick through and read. **

**GREG ** (Looking at Anna surprised)

Bit too early for one of them isn't it?

**ANNA **(Confused)

One of what?

**GREG **(Pointing to the beer can)

Them

**ANNA ** Now look here mush! Shakespeare always drank when writing his plays, so why can't I when reading them?

**GREG ** You can but /

**ANNA ** / Okay then so what's your problem?

**GREG ** (Looking disgusted at Anna)

My problem Anna is that it's only five in the morning, and you are already getting yourself pissed. Also what the fuck gave you the idea that Shakespeare drank while writing his plays?

**ANNA ** Well Greg, if you think about it real hard like, you'd have to be off your cowing face to write all that Art tho bull shit. Why couldn't Romeo just say, oi Mush why you banging my girl?

**GREG ** Because Anna, if Romeo said that, it wouldn't be Shakespeare.

**ANNA ** What would it be en clever shit?

**GREG ** A very dramatic porno!

**ANNA ** Aye that's not a bad idea that Greg. Groneo and Bangulet /

**GREG ** (Spitting out his tea then pointing and shouting at Anna)

DON'T YOU EVER! Say that again.

**ANNA ** Or What?

**GREG **Ill refuses to play Romeo, and without Romeo there is no show!

**ANNA ** You're not Romeo!

**GREG ** (surprised)

What?

**ANNA ** You, are, not, Romeo

**GREG ** (confused)

Then who the fuck am I?

**ANNA ** (Laughing)

Look at the cast list in the very back, and then you'll see

**GREG **(Looking at the cast list)

What? What! Fuck! No, no, no, no, I will not. /

**ANNA ** (Grinning)

/ Costumes upstairs and waiting. Grace will do your makeup while you're up there.

**GREG **(Getting up and walking towards the lounge door, then stopping and looking back at Anna in disgust.)

I'll get you for this you sheep shagging bitch

**ANNA ** (Laughing)

I know you will. Now go upstairs you English basted, chop chop

**OPENING CREDITS: **

**2. INT: KITCHEN OF A STUDENT HOUSE – SWANSEA – MORNING **

**Just like the lounge the kitchen is at a standard size and setting with a few worktops, a gas oven a fridge freezer and a microwave at the end of the room. **

**Rachel and Anna are in the kitchen leaning against the worktops talking about boys and the upcoming drama exam for Romeo and Juliet.** **Anna has now got only the script in her hand as she has now drank the can of beer.**

**RACHEL **(To Anna)

What was Greg shouting about earlier?

**ANNA ** I told him about, you know …

**RACHEL ** Yeh, but what the fuck's he moaning about it for, I've got to do the exact same, just the other way round really.

**ANNA ** I know right.

**RACHEL ** What you think of that Jackson Taylor guy then?

**ANNA ** Fucking lush!

**RACHEL ** Ill second that.

**ANNA ** (To Rachel)

What do you think of Greg then Rachel?

**RACHEL ** Well us Americans do like our Brits.

**ANNA ** So that means what?

**RACHEL ** I'll have to think about it and get back to you later.

**GRACE ** (From the lounge)

Were ready for you!

**GREG ** (From the lounge)

No where fucking not, stay there!

(Suddenly Greg can be heard getting slapped by Grace)

**SFX: SLAP IN THE FACE**

OW, Okay, shit, where ready now!

**RACHEL ** (To Anna)

We going in then?

**ANNA ** Hell yeh, wouldn't miss this for the world!

**RACHEL ** (Walking towards the kitchen door)

Let's go then.

**ANNA ** (Looking around)

Wait! Before we do, where's the camera?

**RACHEL ** (Showing the camera to Anna)

Right here babe

**ANNA **(Walking towards the kitchen door)

Okay Grace, where coming!

**3. INT: LOUNGE OF A STUDENT HOUSE – SWANSEA – EARLY AFTERNOON **

**When ANNA and RACHEL walk into the lounge they are greeted by GREG who is wherein a really long ballroom dress, a long blond wig and Lady's makeup all over his face. Suddenly after a good look ANNA and RACHEL burst out laughing and taking pictures as they fall to the sofa behind them hysterical with laughter.**

**GREG ** (To Anna and Rachel)

What's so fucking funny?

**ANNA ** (Pointing at Greg)

Have you seen yourself?

**GREG ** Yes I have, your point being?

**RACHEL ** You look like the world's worst transvestite.

**GREG ** (Proud)

If that's what you both think then fuck you, coz quite frankly I'm very happy to be playing Juliet Capulet.

**ANNA ** (Looking at Rachel then Greg)

I don't really know about a Transvestite Rachel, he looks more like a village buss!

**GREG **(Angrily)

How the fuck do I look like a village buss. I'll give you three valid reasons Anna why you're insult made no sense, one, I am a human being not a buss, two, People don't ride on top off me looking at my village

(Walking over to Rachel then looking at her)

Apart from you baby, you can park and ride anytime.

(Rachel is shocked by the comment, and stands up and slaps Greg in the face, then sits back down arms now crossed angry. Greg then stumbles back in shock holding his face.)

Ah, and thirdly if there was any part of me that resembled a village it would be located down here

(Pointing at his Privet parts blocked by the dress skirt, Anna and Rachel look confused along with Grace who is staring at him. After remembering that he is wherein a long dress, he grabs it by the bottom revealing some tight boxers.)

And I can't see pensioners and married couples making a day trip to look at that any time soon! Can you?

**GRACE ** (Staring at Greg)

I can!

**GREG ** (To Grace)

Thank you Grace. So anyway Anna, that's why and how your crap insult failed to piss me off.

**ANNA ** (Laughing)

It means Slag you stupid prick!

**GREG ** How the hell can calling someone a village buss mean … /

**RACHEL **(Serious)

/ Coz idiot, A village buss goes round and round, Am I right?

**ANNA ** (Smiling)

Yes you're right, and for a Yank It's pretty impressive you know that!

**RACHEL ** Arr thanks babe, but it was obvious really.

**GREG ** (Embarrassed and letting the bottom of the skirt fall back to the floor, then looking at the girls)

I've acted like a class A twat haven't I?

**ANNA ** Yes

**RACHEL ** Yeh

**GRACE ** No

**GREG ** Thank you again Grace. But ladies I am now going to take what's left of my dignity up stairs.

**RACHEL ** (To Grace)

Why has he still got his beard?

**GRACE ** He wouldn't let me shave it off, you know we were up there for hours, Anna sent him up at five this morning and its now one in the afternoon.

**ANNA ** Fair play, Thanks Grace

**GREG **(To all three of the ladies)

Now ladies I'm going to my room to wipe all this shit off my face, and remove this crap from my body.

(Turning to walk towards the Lounge door)

So I'll see you bitches later!

**GREG ** (As Greg begins to walk towards the Lounge door he trips over his dress and falls flat on his face on the beanbag.)

FUCK!

**RACHEL ** (To Anna)

I've decided now

**ANNA **(To Rachel)

Decided what?

**RACHEL ** (Looking at Greg on the floor then back at Anna)

What I think of Greg

**ANNA ** Oh go on?

**RACHEL ** I think that he's a sexually frustrated twat!

**ANNA ** (Laughs)

Ill second that.

**TARA ** (Running in screaming)

What's all this shouting, and what have you done to my clean room? And why the fuck is Greg wherein a dress?

**ANNA ** (To Tara)

We can explain Tara

**TARA **(Looking at Greg and the beanbag)

AND HOW IN GODS NAME HAS GREG GOT MAKEUP ON MY BEANBAG

**GREG ** I can explain Tara

**TARA ** No don't explain Greg, just wait there.

**GREG **(AS Tara walks off Greg turns his head so his neck now rests on the beanbag.)

Wonder where she bugged off to?

**ANNA ** (To Greg)

I think you've really pissed her off Greg.

**GREG ** Who the fuck cares, it was a accident and accidents ha /

**/ Before Greg can finish what he was saying TARA pours the leftover food bucket (Slop bucket) over his face.**

**GREG ** (Wiping the leftovers of food of his face)

Ah my eyes! What the fuck Tara?

**TARA ** Well Greg, if you want to live in a shit hole, keep it to yourself next time. And don't ever touch my beanbag.

**RACHEL **(Laughing at Greg)

Yeh Greg

**TARA ** (Looking at Rachel)

I would shut it if I was you Rachel. I can always give you some of what Greg just had?

**RACHEL** I'm okay thanks Tara

**TARA **(Walking out the room)

I hope you have all learnt your lesson as to what happens if you fuck up my nice clean house.

**ALL EXCEPT TARA **Yes Tara

**TARA **(Entering the room again and throwing a wet sponge at Greg)

And clean this shit up Greg**.**

**GREG ** But …

**TARA ** (Giving Greg evils)

What?

**GREG **(Sighs)

Yes Tara

(As Tara leaves the room)

Fucking clean freak!

**4. INT: GREGS ROOM – SWANSEA – EARLY EAVNING **

**GREG'S room is covered with movie posters from – "Star Wars" to "Sex In The City"; it is quite cluttered with cloths all over the floor and empty bottles on the shelves.**

**GREG is lying on his bed now in normal boy cloths, as he is lying there he begins to write in his diary.**

**GREG ** (Writing as he reads)

Dear Diary, some people must dream of living with five girls, who are not there sisters. But for me unfortunately it's a reality. Now you must be thinking how is it unfortunate, you must get sex every night, five nights a week, which for the record, I don't, and living with them is an absolute nightmare.

Like yesterday for example, they all went and got Vajazalz done, they said come and wait for us Greg. I happily said yes, not knowing that they had booked me in for a Pjazal as well. Which I don't really want to go into detail about, as it has already scared me for life.

Basically In short, I came to Swansea to follow my lifelong dream of becoming a world famous actor. But instead I have ended up becoming the Bitch of a group of bitches. At least I'm still following my acting in uni, and beyond that when I can. I've got to go now; Jennie will be cooking dinner shortly, so I better go and lay the table.

**5. INT: STUDENT HOUSE DINING ROOM – SWANSEA – LATE EAVNING **

**The Dining room is quite unusual for a student house, as everything is in an order and in its place Due to TARA'S cleaning obsession. Round the large dining table there are eight chairs GREG sits at the top of the table and ANNA sits at the bottom, to GREGS left sits JENNIE and to his right sits GRACE and to ANNA'S left sits RACHEL and to her right sits TARA. The seats next to RACHEL and TARA are both empty. In front of each of them is a plate with what seems to be a roast beef diner.**

**GRACE **(To Jennie)

Nice beef Jen, where you get it from?

**JENNIE ** (To Grace)

A man down the pub sold it to me.

**ANNA ** How much it cost?

**JENNIE ** Only four quid!

**RACHEL ** That's good, but how come it was so cheap?

**JENNIE ** The guy just said he had rolled back his price on his beef as it was sourced locally.

**GREG ** (Pulling out a shard of glass from his beef)

Ah!

**JENNIE ** What's the matter Greg?

**GREG **(Showing the girls the shard of glass)

I don't think he rolled back on his beef Jen! I think he rolled on over it!

**ANNA **(Spitting out the food in her mouth)

SHIT!

**TARA **(Shocked and to ANNA)

My table!

**GRACE ** (To the group)

Well at least it's still sourced locally

**GREG ** (To Grace)

Of cores it is Grace, that is if by locally, you meant the fucking M6 Motorway!

**ANNA ** (To Tara)

Sorry

**GRACE ** I didn't know cows could drive now?

**RACHEL ** you never knew, coz they never could in the first place!

**GRACE ** (confused)

You've lost me guys

**RACHEL **(To Jennie)

Toys!

**JENNIE ** (Grabbing a small box of toys out of a cupboard behind her.)

Already there, which ones we need?

**RACHEL **A car and a cow

**JENNIE ** (Passing Rachel the toys)

There you go

**RACHEL ** (To Jennie)

Thank you

(To Greg)

Fancy helping me with this one Greg?

**GREG **(To Rachel)

Yeh, What am I now?

**RACHEL ** (Handing Greg the toy car)

You can be the car.

**GREG ** (Grabbing the car off Rachel)

Okay, cool

**RACHEL ** (To Grace)

Okay Grace, are you goanna watch me and Greg now?

**GRACE **(Watching Greg and Rachel)

Yes

**RACHEL ** Promise?

**GRACE ** Promise!

**RACHEL ** (Moving the cow with her hands)

Okay good, now this is Milky the cow. One day Milky wanted to cross the road, to play with the cows on the other side of the road. But Milky didn't know about Greg and his new car speeding down as milky was crossing.

**GRACE ** (In suspense)

Then what happened?

**RACHEL ** (To Greg)

Greg?

**GREG ** (Moving the toy car with his hands)

Now as Greg was speeding he didn't see Milky crossing the road and BANG!

(He crashes the car into the cow)

Milky was sent flying into Greg's car windscreen.

**GRACE **(Nearly crying)

Then what?

**GREG ** The pub guy found Milky dead in the middle of the road, and decided to sell what was left of her to the first stupid bitch he saw, which just so happened to be Jennie.

**JENNIE ** (To Greg)

HAY!

**GRACE ** (Tears dripping from her eyes)

So where's Milky now?

**GREG ** Right there in front of you

**GRACE ** (Looking at the beef in front of her)

**SFX: DRAMATIC HORROR MUSIC**

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**RACHEL ** (To Grace)

So do you understand now Grace?

**GRACE ** (Crying)

I think so

**RACHEL ** Explain it to me then

**GRACE ** Greg and his car murdered Milky

**RACHEL ** Yeh! Close enough

**GREG **No!

**GRACE ** I think my heart just broke

**GREG **I doubt it Grace, but you could of puncher'ed it, with the shit that was in that beef!

**GRACE ** (Screaming at Greg)

Don't call Milky shit, you murderer!

**GREG ** (Shocked)

What! I never /

**/ Before GREG can finish his sentence GRACE jumps up out of her chair and storms out the room slamming the door. Similar to a young child would. Everybody left round the table just stares at GREG in disgust about what he said to GRACE.**

**GREG ** (Looking at all the girls looking at him.)

Well it's obvious from the baboon slapped ass looks, you guys are giving me at the moment that I'm not wanted down here right now. So I'm going off to bed, and I'll see you all tomorrow, when hopefully all this madness will off blown over.

**GREG gets up from his chare at the table and walks towards the door where he turns the handle and leaves the room.**

**ANNA ** Fucking Bastard!

**6. INT: GRACES BEDROOM – SWANSEA – MIDNIGHT**

**GRACES room is very different to GREGS as it has posters of animals and boy bands all over the walls.**

**As GRACE is asleep in her bedroom, the camera then pans into her digital clock which reads midnight. Once panned in it pans back out this time revealing a white light and RACHEL in a cow costume dressed up as Milky. But to GRACE and the audience it's Just Milky not RACHEL.**

**MILKY **Grace!

**GRACE ** (Scared)

Who are you?

**MILKY ** It's me Milky!

**GRACE **(Waking up and seeing Milky)

Milky!

**MILKY ** You have to save me

**GRACE **From what?

**MILKY ** Greg!

**GRACE ** Off cores I will, tell me what I must do?

**MILKY ** Convert him!

**GRACE ** Convert him into what?

**MILKY ** A fucking Jedie, I don't know, use your imagination

**SFX: LOUD FOOTSTEPS AND PSYCHOTIC MALE LAUGHTER**

He's here!

**GRACE ** (Worried)

Who Milky, Who?

**MILKY ** Gregorvitch Todd!

**GRACE ** Who's he?

**MILKY ** The Demon Butcher Of Wine Street!

**Suddenly GREG appears behind MILKY wherein a Sweeny Todd outfit, he then pulls out a Cut Throat Razor and holds it to MILKY'S neck while grinning at GRACE. **

**GREGORVITCH ** (To Milky)

How about a shave!

**SFX: METAL SWISH THEN A BLLOD CURDALING MOO **

**GRACE ** (Screaming)

Milky NO!

**The camera pans back into the clock as GRACE is screaming. Once it pans back out of the clock, GRACE is still screaming but MILKY and GREGORVITCH have disappeared.**

**GRACE ** (Looking around)

Milky (Pause) where are you?

**MILKY V.O ** I'm fucking dead! Now go and avenge me already.

**GRACE ** Okay!

**GRACE gets out of bead and walks towards her door, she then notices a bag by the door which is labelled. "Just in case you have no imagination, Love Milky xxxx" Grace Picks up the bag then putts it over her shoulders then exits the room.**

**7. INT: GREGS ROOM – SWANSEA – THE NEXT MORNING**

**SFX: ALARM CLOCK**

**GREG first slams his right hand on the clock to turn the alarm off. After this the camera pans out to reveal GREGS Left arm cuffed to the top of the bead, as the camera pans out even more we see GREGS beard has been shaved off, only leaving a tash on his top lip and a T.V left on static in front of him. **

**GREG ** (Looking at his handcuffed arm)

What the fuck!

**SFX: DOOR BELL **

**COWSAW V.O **Hello Greg I want /

**GREG ** / Hello

**COWSAW V.O ** Hello! I want to play a /

**GREG ** / Hello!

**COWSAW V.O **For fuck sake Greg! Stop with the Hello's and listen to me!

**GREG ** Who are you?

**COWSAW V.O **I Greg, I am the human killer they call Cowsaw

**GREG ** You have a colsaw?

**COWSAW V.O **Yes Greg I am Cowsaw

**GREG ** You better get that shit checked out then bro. Coz with a Colsaw, it starts out on your face then before you know it you've got them all over your body.

**COWSAW V.O ** No Greg I am Cowsaw!

**GREG ** You like coleslaw? Man that stuff is fucking nasty. Who's idea even was it to combine carrot and Mayo together.

**COWSAW V.O ** No Greg! I am COW

**GREG ** Cow

**COWSAW V.O ** Saw

**GREG ** Saw (pause) so that makes you Cowsaw

**COWSAW V.O **Took you fucking long enough! Play the DVD in front of you!

**GREG ** (looking at the DVDs in front of him)

Which one? I've got (pause) SAW 1, SAW 2, SAW 3, Sweeny Todd or a film called, play me

**COWSAW V.O ** Insert play me and the game can begin

**GREG ** Well I would if I could reach it! Who the fuck you think I am Mr Fantastic?

**COWSAW V.O ** Why can't you reach it?

**GREG ** I don't know, maybe coz some twat cuffed me to my bed!

**COWSAW V.O ** Wait there a minuet

**GREG ** Well I'm not going anywhere am I!

**Suddenly the door to GREGS room opens and in walks GRACE wherein a sheep mask and a red hooded dressing gown (COWSAW), she grabs the DVD and inserts it into the static T.V, then she quickly goes to leave the room but before she goes GREG talks to her.**

**GREG ** (Looking at Cowsaw)

What the fuck are you?

**COWSAW ** What?

**GREG ** I thought your name was Cowsaw?

**COWSAW ** It is!

**GREG **So what's with the sheep thing?

**COWSAW ** As we are in Wales I thought it would be more appropriate.

**GREG ** Liar!

**COWSAW ** How do you know?

**GREG ** I can tell

**COWSAW ** Fine, it was all they had left in the costume shop; it was either this or a dog, which I thought me being a girl would be ironic.

**GREG ** Dam right it would bitch! (Pause) so you are a girl?

**COWSAW ** I've said too much already, sit back and enjoy your film.

**GRACE presses play on the remote then leaves the room slamming the door behind her. The video is of a cow puppet, with red squiggles on the side of its face (Allot like the saw one)**

**COW PUPPET ** Hello Greg, I don't want to play a game with you

**GREG ** Thank god for that!

**COW PUPPET ** As you have already lost

**GREG ** Oh

**COW PUPPET ** As a punishment I have taken away your two favourite possessions to destroy in half an hour.

**GREG ** (touching where his beard would be)

FUCKING BITCH!

**COW PUPPET ** After me saying that you probably by now have noticed that your beard is gone. If you haven't then well, your beard is gone.

**GREG **No Shit, cozmy face now feels like its naked! (Pause) hang on, you just said I had half an hour, so your not making sense of your own rules.

**COW PUPPET ** And Greg, if you just mentioned the half an hour thing. I changed my mind about that thirty minutes ago smart ass.

**GREG ** Shit! (Pause) so what's the second possession you've taken from me? Is it the Car? Is it my pink furry dice? What is it!

**COW PUPPET **Not now Greg, wait and see, all will be reviled at mid day.

**GREG looks at his clock it reads 11:55 he then begins to panic puling at the cuffs and screaming.**

**GREG ** Tell me! Tell me what they are! TELL ME!

**COW PUPPET **Shouting won't bring them back Greg

**GREG ** Fucking tell me, you sick bitch!

**COW PUPPET ** Yes Greg, I am sick, I'm sick of humans like you, thinking they can turn cows into sausages.

**GREG ** Don't you mean into burgers?

**COW PUPPET ** What?

**GREG ** Sausages come from pigs and burgers come from cows

**COW PUPPET ** And What happens if the meat's from a fast food restaurant?

**GREG ** Then it's a whole different animal altogether!

**COW PUPPET ** Anyway that doesn't matter, cuss its time Greg

**GREG ** Time for what?

**COW PUUPET ** (X Factor voice)

To face, the music! Sorry couldn't resist.

**GREG ** Good timing

**COW PUPPET **Thank you, it was a bit risky but I thought, what the hell ill go for it.

**GREG ** And it actually paid off too, I'm impressed. Anyway, where were we? (Pause) Ah that's right; TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE, TELL ME YOU / MUNTER!

**/ SFX: SWEAR WORD BEEPS **

**COW PUPPET ** What the fuck man?

**GREG ** What?

**COW PUPPET **I said to abuse me, not scar me for life.

**GREG **I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me.

**COW PUPPET ** It's okay, you where in the moment, just don't do it again.

**GREG ** Okay, Lets go again?

**COW PUPPET **Okay

**GREG ** Ready?

**COW PUPPET ** Ready!

**GREG ** Three, two, one, action!

**COW PUPPET ** Its time Greg

**GREG ** Time for what?

**COW PUPPET ** To see possession number two

**GREGS T.V now shows a car ready to be crushed, Greg watches in horror, as COWSAW explains what is going to happen next.**

**COWSAW **As you can see Greg, I have stolen your car, and crashed it into a school.

**GREG ** What the fuck! There's no school here, all that's on screen (Pause) is my car in, a big crush machine, thing.

**COWSAW ** Sorry, did I say school that happened hours before this (Pause) which reminds me, your due in court next week for attempted murder.

**GREG **(Shocked)

Attempted What?

**COWSAW ** What did you expect Greg, that you'd just get a fine and walk?

**GREG ** I tell you what I didn't expect

**COWSAW **What didn't you expect?

**GREG ** I didn't expect to be fucking cuffed to my bed this morning, Buy a girl who calls herself COWSAW, who walks round wherein a Sheep mask coz she wouldn't know what a fucking cow looked like even if it sat there in front of her, and had a shit in her face!

**COWSAW ** You forgot about the shaved beard and the car crushing!

**GREG **I know about the shaved beard and the Car crushing.

**COWSAW ** And your pink dice?

**GREG ** (Panicking)

What about my pink dice?

**COWSAW ** It's in the car

**GREG ** The car

**COWSAW ** Yes

**GREG ** My car

**COWSAW ** Yes

**GREG **(Nervously)

My car, the car that's about to get crushed that car?

**COWSAW ** (Sighs)

Yes!

**GREG ** (Panicking)

FUCK, SHIT BALLS, COCK SUCKING BANANA BOMBS! What can I do to stop the crushing?

**COWSAW ** Nothing

**GREG ** What happens if I, If I (Pause) the hunger games, NO! I volunteer as tribute!

**COWSAW ** What

**GREG **I volunteer as tribute!

**COWSAW ** And what's that supposed to mean?

**GREG ** Me and the dice trade places

**COWSAW ** are you been serious, you want to get crushed and die instead of a stuffed dice?

**GREG ** (Thinking)

Actually second thoughts, screw the dice, she cheated on me anyway. With that Russian bobal head from across the road.

**COWSAW ** That wasn't the dice Greg, it was your ex girlfriend.

**GREG **(Sobbing)

Don't you think I know that! Gosh everything is so f up at the moment.

**COWSAW ** I'm sorry Greg

**GREG **(Surprised)

You're sorry?

**COWSAW ** Yes

**GREG ** Really?

**COWSAW **No, just fucking with you its way past mid day so your car will be crushed in three, two, one GAME OVER.

**GREGS T.V now shows GREGS car getting crushed by the crushing machine GREG Screams and pulls at the cuffs and squirms around in anger as he watches the horror unfold in front of him.**

**GREG ** Noooooooooooo! I'll kill you bitch, I'll kill you!

**8. INT: GRACES BEAD ROOM – SWANSEA – MID AFTERNOON **

**GRACE is sitting on the bead on her own with a laptop balanced on her lap and a headset Mic around her head. Suddenly ANNA, RACHEL, TARA and JENNIE come rushing into the room using that order, when they see GRACE they all look at each other confused with what they are seeing and hearing.**

**ANNA **(Confused)

Grace what you doing?

**GRACE ** (No answer)

**RACHEL ** (Confused)

Grace talk to us

**GRACE **(No answer)

**TARA **(Confused)

Grace, do you want me to clean your room for you?

**GRACE ** No!

**JENNIE ** So what you doing then Grace?

**GRACE **(Showing the girls the laptop)

Watching Greg cry

**ANNA ** (Looking At the laptop then at Grace)

There's no one there Grace love

**GRACE ** (Looking at the laptop confused)

But I was just watching him

**RACHEL **Well he's not there now

**Suddenly the door to GRACES room burst open revealing a GREG wherein the GREGORVITCH TODD costume, he walks towards the girls with a knife in his hands laughing and smiling.**

**GREG ** Hears Gregory! (Pause) Cuff me to my bead will you, Crush my car will you, Shave my beard off will you.

**ANNA **(To Greg)

Are you okay but?

**GREG ** (Pointing at GRACE)

Ask her!

**RACHEL ** Grace, what have you done to Greg?

**GRACE **(Innocently)

I just wanted to avenge /

**TARA ** / Avenge what?

**GRACE ** Milky!

**GREG ** (Waving his knife)

Milky was just a story Grace, but me, I'm for real!

**GRACE ** Milky was not just a story! I met her, I spoke to her

**JENNIE ** (confused)

Hang on, you met Milky and she told you to do this to Greg, by doing what sorry Greg?

**GREG ** Cuffing me to my bead, crushing my car, shaving of my beard off, And murdering Martha my pink fury dice

**JENNIE **All that (Pause) hang on you named your fury dice?

**GREG ** Yeh so, I was depressed all right!

**RACHEL ** What you got to say to Greg then Grace?

**GRACE ** But milky told me /

**ANNA **/ Grace!

**GRACE ** Sorry Greg

**GREG **(To Grace)

Oh no, we are beyond sorry now, that shit won't cut it anymore Grace, Ill only be happy once I have your blood on my blade.

**TARA ** (To Greg)

Crazy Bastar /

**Before TARA can finish what she was saying GREG stabs her in the heart, she collapses to the floor dead, he then lunges foreword catching JENNIE in the neck, and she also collapses to the floor dead.**

**RACHEL **(To Greg)

What the … Greg leave now and I won't hurt you.

**GREG ** (To Rachel)

BRING IT BITCH!

**RACHEL ** (Kicking Greg to the floor and grabbing his knife)

They didn't call me Jill Valentine back home for nothing!

**GREG ** (From Behind Rachel)

Are you sure it wasn't for nothing?

**RACHEL ** (Surprised and looking at Greg)

But you

(Pointing at the floor)

Where just down th /

**Before RACHEL can finish her sentence GREG grabs her round the neck snapping it. Rachel then collapses to the floor dead. While this is going on ANNA and GRACE have ran down stairs. Once GREG notices they are gone the hunt begins.**

**GREG ** (Walking down the stairs)

One, two Greg's coming for you. Three, four is he at your door. Five, six don't get a crucifix coz he's no vampire.

**9. LOUNGE OF A STUDENT HOUSE – SWANSEA – LATE AFTERNOON**

**The lounge is how it was left before apart from the slop that had been thrown over GREG earlier has been cleaned up. ANNA and Grace cower and hide behind the sofa. When GREG walks into the room he begins to look around **

**GREG **(Walking around the lounge)

Anna where are you? Anna, Anna, I won't hurt you Anna that I can promise, all I want is Grace, you hand her over and ill just walk away, so come out come out where ever you are.

**ANNA ** (Coming out from behind the sofa)

I'm over here, let's finish this.

**GREG ** Are you sure?

**ANNA ** Yes

**GREG ** (Dropping the knife)

Grace can wait, now I've got my chance to mess you up, the sheep shagging bitch that made my morning hell.

**ANNA ** Come on then you English Bastard, HIT ME!

**GREG ** (Pressing a button on the T.V remote)

Let's Play

**SFX: HIT ME WITH YOURE RHYTHM STICK **

**ANNA Suddenly runs at GREG and punches him in the face, GREG then slaps ANNA in the face. They both look at each other locked in a state of battle.**

**ANNA ** (To Greg)

Was that supposed to hurt

**GREG **(Picking up a pillow of the sofa)

No but this will

**ANNA ** What are you doing?

**GREG ** (Throwing Anna a pillow)

Picking us a weapon

**ANNA ** Yeh I can see that, but a pillow, are you serious?

**GREG ** Deadly, serious

**ANNA ** (Looking at the pillow)

Okay then, let's see what this baby can do!

**They both run at each other one again and after ANNA hits GREG in the face with the pillow the choreographed pillow fight begins, eventually the room is filled with feathers falling like snow. Finally GREG wraps a pillow round ANNA'S head beginning to smother her once she brakes free GREG does it again but this time rams the knife through the pillow, just to make sure. **

**GREG ** (Removing his knife out the pillow and standing up)

And now Grace, I want to play a game with you

**As GREG goes to walk towards the sofa GRACE is hiding behind a loud gunshot is herd, suddenly Greg collapses face first onto the beanbag dead. Standing behind where GREG was with a smoking gun is MILKY.**

**MILKY **(Blowing her gun barrel)

That's a bingo!

**GREG **(To himself)I love that Inglorious Bastards line

**(DIES) **

**GRACE ** (Coming out from behind the sofa)

Milky!

**MILKY **Grace!

**GRACE ** You came back

**MILKY ** A bit later than planned, but yeh I did

**GRACE ** Are they all dead Milky?

**MILKY ** Afraid so Kido!

**GRACE **(sobbing)

But it's all my fault

**MILKY **(Hugging Grace)

Hay, don't be like that, you did what you had to do, to convert Greg. Granted I was thinking more vegetarian than murdering basted, but what can you do about it now.

**GRACE ** (Pulling away from the hug)

Can't you bring them back?

**MILKY ** Well I would but /

**GRACE ** / But what milky?

**MILKY ** If I did bring them back, I would move from here in purgatory and onto the afterlife. I don't really want to do that.

**GRACE ** If you do milky, you can live with me!

**MILKY ** How?

**GRACE **(Pulling the cow toy out her pocket)

In this

**MILKY ** I can't

**GRACE ** Why not?

**MILKY ** Coz I wasn't made in china

**GRACE ** (Looking at the bottom of the cow)

It says made in Wales

**MILKY ** (Excited)

Really! Well then that's a different story altogether.

**GRACE ** (Happy)

Really!

**MILKY ** Sorry Grace but I've got to go.

**GRACE ** (Confused)

Go where milky?

**MILKY ** To bring back your friends!

**GRACE **(clapping her hands)

Yay!

**10. EXT: A SUNNY FIELD – THE AFTER LIFE – ANY TIME **

**GREG and RACHEL are performing a scene from Romeo and Juliet, GREG is now Romeo and Rachel is Juliet. While ANNA watches drinking a can beer. TARA and JENNIE are standing next to ANNA arguing about nothing.**

**JENNIE ** (To Tara)

I knew it would be Greg that killed us in the end.

**TARA ** (To Jennie)

No you didn't

**JENNIE ** Yes I did.

**TARA ** Actually if you think about it Jennie, it was you and your shit beef that killed us in the end.

**JENNIE **Now that's not fair

**TARA ** Yes It fucking is!

**JENNIE ** How? Please explain yourself, Mr Sherlock

**TARA **If you hadn't of brought rode kill off a man who claimed he was a butcher from the pub. Then Greg wouldn't have found the shard of glass, and Grace wouldn't know about how a cow dies when it gets hit by a car.

**JENNIE **Okay (Pause) but was it my beef that stabbed us?

**TARA ** (Sighs)

No

**JENNIE ** Exactly what I thought, so screw you bitch!

**Suddenly there is a flash of light and MILKY appears in the middle of the field. All the characters stare at her astonished and shocked.**

**MILKY **(Shouting)

Are you Graces friends?

**ANNA **(Shouting back to Milky)

What if we are?

**MILKY ** I'm here to take you back

**RACHEL **Back where?

**MILKY **Back To life off cores, ow and I owe Greg an apology, I'm sorry Greg, coz now I found out it wasn't you that ran me over after all.

**GREG ** Who was it then?

**MILKY ** The guy from the pub

**GREG ** No shit!

**MILKY ** (To everyone)

So before we go, I want you all to forgive Greg for what he did. So when he really dies he won't go to hell.

**GREG ** (Shouting)

Sorry for killing you guys, can you ever forgive me?

**ANNA **Consider it done mate

**RACHELL ** On one hand you brutally snapped my neck and on the other hand you fixed my acupuncture problem. So I (Pause) forgive you.

**TARA ** As long as you didn't get blood on my beanbag I forgive you too.

**JENNIE **I suppose so, just never stab me again.

**GREG **(Smiles)

I'm not intending to.

**MILKY **Good, now all that's done, if you could all join me over here for the YMCA we can get back.

**SFX: YMCA by "The Village People" **

**The group perform the YMCA by "The Village People" with MILKY leading the performance. As the dance is near to finishing they all suddenly disappear in a flash of light.**

**11. INT: STUDENT HOUSE DINING ROOM – SWANSEA – LATE EAVNING **

**The Dining room is quite unusual for a student house, as everything is in an order and in its place Due to TARA'S cleaning obsession. Round the large dining table there are eight chairs GREG sits at the top of the table and ANNA sits at the bottom, to GREGS left sits JENNIE and to his right sits GRACE and to ANNA'S left sits RACHEL and to her right sits TARA. The seats next to RACHEL and TARA are both empty. In front of each of them is an empty plate.**

**JENNIE **(To the Gang)

So who's for some beef?

**GREG ** Not me thanks

**JENNIE ** (To Greg)

Why not?

**GREG ** Coz I want to treat us all to a pizza

**TARA **What's the occasion?

**GREG **(Standing up)

No reason, I just don't fancy any beef

**TARA ** Okay, what we having?

**GREG ** Just gona grab my wallet from my room, and just get six Margareta's, I don't want anything with meat near me.

**RACHEL ** Okay

**GREG ** Okay, be right back

**GREG walks towards the Dining room door and turns the handle, then exits; once he is gone the girls look at each other shocked and surprised.**

**12. INT: GREGS ROOM – SWANSEA – LATE EAVNING**

**GREG walks into his room and locates his wallet once he has grabbed it. He walks over to his mirror to check himself, but that's when he realises he has no facial hair.**

**GREG ** (Worried)

Oh No

(Shouting downstairs to the girls)

Guys, have you seen what's happened to my facial hair?

**ANNA ** (Shouting upstairs)

Last time I saw it, it was on your face.

**GREG ** No shit, hence the name facial hair!

**DIRECTORS NOTE: The following convocation between GREG and ANNA is from the top of the stairs (GREG) and the bottom of the stairs (ANNA) **

**ANNA ** Have you checked your ass?

**GREG ** Why?

**ANNA ** Cause you talk enough shit! So it might of moved down there, to join with your second mouth.

**GREG ** Oh ha ha, I'm been serious its actually gone

**SFX: PHONE RINGING**

**ANNA **Two secs Greg, the phones ringing

**GREG ** Okay

**ANNA ** Greg! There's a guy on the phone saying you owe him money, what shall I say?

**GREG ** Tell him whatever it is he's selling to go and stick it up his ass.

**ANNA **He says He'll see you in court.

**GREG ** You tell him /

**ANNA ** Firstly Greg I'm not a bloody owl, and secondly he's gone.

**GREG ** Who was it anyway?

**ANNA ** Some guy who claimed he had crushed your car this morning.

**GREG ** (Walking to his window)

Really, well I haven't moved my car all weekend, let alone asked some twat to crush, SHIT!

**ANNA ** What's wrong?

**GREG ** It's not there!

**ANNA **So that means what?

**GREG **We need to ring him back!

**ANNA is now walking up the stairs with the phone to give GREG. **

**ANNA ** (Handing Greg the phone)

There you go

**GREG ** (Grabbing the phone and deleing the number)

Thanks

(The guy answers, Greg talks on the phone)

Hello its Greg Hunter, yes, no I did want to keep my car, I don't care what I said this morning, well I care about that but, can't you do anything to help, you can recycle it into fridge's for Nigerian people, and that fucking helps me how, it's not your problem, yes it's your fucking problem, or it will be when I tell your supervisor, you are the supervisor, ah shit, okay and how much is it I owe you, five Grand! FIVE GRAND! What you doing filling the fridges with illegal firearms or something, No I don't want a fucking fridge, and I don't want to see you in court either, yes ill pay the money, Good bye!

**GREG throws the phone to the ground then collapses onto his bed and begins to scream into a pillow "five grand" after repeating this four times he stops and stands up to look at ANNA who has been watching him.**

**ANNA **Five grand ay? Could be worse!

**GREG ** How could it?

**ANNA **(Leaving the room)

It could be me that owes the money.

**GREG looks at the floor in depression, he then spots GRACES cow toy which is now MILKY, who winks at him, a confused GREG cautiously picks MILKY up, once he does MILKY winks at him again, suddenly GREG faints collapsing onto the floor. **

**FADE TO BLACK: **

**END CREDITS: **


End file.
